Ahhh. It’s been a while since I’ve written a post on here. I wish I could tell you how awesome and adventurous and “so so busy” I have been, almost giving you a hint of jealousy against my “super awesome life”! Truth is… I’m tired. I am so tired.
Not physically, mind you. The physical exhaustion I endured was during my pregnancy with my last baby, Ayla, who is actually 3 months old today. Between the day I got pregnant and this moment as I type, I have, yes, been pregnant, endured pregnancy, cared for three young children, worked in retail, been off sick for 3 months because of my pregnancy, gone back to work, drove through two countries for a holiday…breathe…drove back to England, worked some more, entered my one year maternity leave, still cared for my 3 children, moved from England to Portugal as a gift from my long Maternity Leave… with 3 children… often cared for the 3 children alone for weeks at a time, gave birth via one of the hardest c-sections I have ever experienced, been waking up twice a night for the past 3 months to feed my ever growing baby girl…and yet my body is doing so well, bless her.
No. My frustration in all this tiredness is that it’s a mental one. You see, we have all just celebrated the legendary day that is “International Women’s Day”. A day I believe lasts for the whole year, if you ask me. “May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.” But truth be told… how much of womanhood do we really accept? It seems God’s little annoyance at Eve was really exaggerated because to curse all women to suffer in the way that we do for simply being born female is a bit much. Why do I say that? Because when we become mothers, somehow ALL responsibility regarding our child and our house falls on us. I understand that in 2019 us girls have every opportunity under the sun to achieve anything we want in this life. But it seems like the small print was not read, where it clearly states this; “we can do anything we want, and be anything we want, but the laundry still needs to be sorted, the dishes need to be washed, the kids need to be fed and ready for School, and fed and ready for bed every day- and clean. Food must be prepared, but don’t take corners by getting cheap take away to save time. You must prepare a full meal, from scratch if you want your kids to have a varied and healthy diet. For your children to do well, make sure they are at least bilingual, learn at least 1 musical instrument, and if need be, arrange for a tutor to help them with their school learning. Ideally you. If you must work, be sure to find good childcare, and this will cost you more than your wage, but your child will thank you later. By the way, nurseries are only opened during the week, so it is your responsibility to find care for your child if you must work during the weekends on holidays. Be sure also to remember that they have P.E. on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and please don’t forget their recorder for music class, whenever that is. Last but not least, your baby needs your full attention, but sleep when the baby sleeps…the rest can wait…”
I am so tired… I’m tired to have been made solely responsible for my life and the lives of 4 other people. I’m tired of watching the world go by and I am looked at not more than a simple “stay at home mum”. Or even worse, some kind of baby factory. I am tired of the fact that I ended up failing my Masters because of the many times I’d have to stop my work so I could do that dreadful school run, which got in the way so much. I’m tired of being the one to figure out where we are going to live, should we buy a house, should we continue renting, how should we save money, how much money should we save…oh look, it’s been a year and we haven’t saved a penny…. I am tired.
I watch my husband going up in his career, and now nervous for his interview for a new job, one which he is very likely to get because of how hard he worked to get to where he is with no constant interruptions. I sit and pray to God that he gets this job, not because the pay is all that different or he doesn’t love his current job, but because the working hours are so much better… well, to some extent. He won’t have the flexibility I needed for me to continue working the 3 days I wanted when I got back to London… but at least I will be able to be fully self employed. Let us hope that I can manage that.
All this because I was born a girl so therefore the world’s responsibilities when it comes to my children falls on me? Is it so bad to be both happy for your husband because of where he is with his career, and be silently angry with him knowing full well that the only reason he is where he is is actually because the heavy burden of your family has become yours to deal with? That no matter how much we believe parenting in the 21st century has become “shared”, it’s only really shared for as long as the father is progressing with his own life, with or without you?
I am tired. I am tired of knowing this isn’t really society’s fault, but my biology for being born a girl. Because our design would have it that we’d feel that much more in tune with the needs of our children and our home. And creating a good home for them is all we want…even if it means us disapeaning as the women we have always been…
It’s a painful realisation. And I am tired of it.